To preface this blog and any other posts I call “blogs”- they will be mostly unedited and uncensored. I will get in a “mood”, have the urge to write and will probably only re-read the damn thing once before publishing. That’s the way I’ve always operated- I generally trust my ability to take thoughts and cohesively add words on paper and get my point across. So now. To the point.
When I first started fitness three years ago, I had to shut myself off from the world to make the huge lifestyle changes necessary to become healthy and fit. I isolated myself from almost everyone- mostly because the majority of people I was surrounded by at the time were toxic. So I spent months by myself on the grind and saw amazing results. Well now I’m fit and healthy, at least compared to your average American. Of course there are still goals I am pushing toward and things I want to accomplish but I am no longer 50 pounds overweight, smoking pot every day being miserable like right before I started. But now I find myself still without the social component I blocked out. I no longer have the same avenues of meeting people like college courses and drinking at bars and parties. I work alone most of the time and have a boyfriend and dog to care for. This is by my design and I am, in the grand scheme of things, happy with these aspects of my life. But I am missing some social interaction. I frequently tell myself I’m going to go to this fitness class or that community event but when the time comes I just pretend I never had the thought at all. It’s not an actual anxious feeling preventing me from going, or other obligations or anything tangible at all. I have no idea why I keep sabotaging myself. The closest thing I’ve ever been able to pin it on is guilt. I feel guilty doing something for myself when I could be working and making money, or doing something outside with the dog. Which is bullshit. I feel like the only way to resolve this particular issue is to call bullshit on myself and stop making excuses and just make some damn friends. So there’s that. Hopefully putting it out for the world to see is enough of a call out.
Another thing I need to call bullshit on myself about is this recently developed feeling of inadequacy. When I was overweight I was confident and would literally introduce myself as “kind of a big deal”. I also had no idea I was overweight but that’s a whole separate post. But once the lights came on so to speak and I realized I was “fat” it made me think I wasn’t cool or beautiful or anything good at all. But now I have put in a few years of work and should be gaining that confidence back. Not happening. In fact I’m more self conscious than ever. So again I call bullshit. I’m the same person as I was back then with a new and improved exterior to match my badass interior. So hopefully these two things tie together by making friends that realize I’m awesome to make me feel more awesome so I can make more friends.
The second part of the inadequacy is affecting my business. I want to be an online coach, obviously- look at other pages on this site- and to do that I have to market and have a social media presence. But every time I go to post something, I think “Who cares? Why would anyone listen to me? There are so many girls on Instagram and YouTube and that have coaching business that are so much more fitness than me. What the hell do I know?!” But again, bullshit. I know what it’s like to be overweight and unhappy, I know what it’s like to struggle with Crohn’s disease, I know what it’s like to adopt a Paleo diet and lifestyle, I know what it’s like to move across the country and struggle adapting to that in a mountain town where fitness has a whole different meaning. So that’s what I’m going to talk about for a while until I learn more stuff. Because adulting is just acting like everything is working out until you actually figure out how to make it work. So thanks for reading. Comment below something in your life you need to call bullshit on.